"When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That is what this storm is all about."- Haruki Murakami, Kafka On The Shore,' 2002.
"He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves." - The Bible, Psalm 107:29.
As I sit here writing this post, tears stream down my face. Today marks six months since my darling husband and best friend left me. I can't believe that it's been half a year, 26 weeks, 182 days, 4368 hours that I've been without him already, and a lifetime before I see him again. I miss him dearly, and today, the sting of his death is very real. It breaks my heart that I didn't get to say goodbye to him, to tell him one last time that I love him, or even get the chance to be there by his side in his time of need and tell him it was all going to be okay. It's still a hard pill to swallow some days and sometimes I struggle to breath for a moment.
Reflecting back, focusing forward...
Grief is one of the hardest journeys I've ever had to walk in my life. There is no rule book, there is no process, there is no formula or boxes to tick as you go. You just have to ride the waves. Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning and can't go on, and sometimes everything seems okay. It's a journey of taking three steps forward and two steps back. It has felt incredibly frustrating at times, and also very lonely at times. But I know I am not alone. I know God is walking beside me every step of the way and I can rest in His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).
They say that around four to six months after losing a loved one are the most difficult months of grieving. I suppose because the shock and denial have somewhat worn off and reality has now fully started to set in. Your psyche (which comprises of your mind, body and soul) is slowly starting to align, accepting the raw reality of what has happened and what is now your new everyday life. Before, parts of me were still not ready to face reality and so I would believe Bernard was on that extended holiday somewhere and would be home soon. The mind knew that, that was not true, but my heart hadn't quite caught up yet. So as I write this post, I know that my heart is slowly catching up and starting to align with what I know in my head, but somedays it's still all very surreal. It's almost like living in two worlds really, and I sometimes think I've gone a bit crazy. I know what the truth is, but on those surreal days I still try to wake myself up from this nightmare. As more time passes though, hours into days and days into months, I am starting to accept that there is no waking up from this. I'm starting to come to terms that it is all very real. That my husband is gone and not coming back. The hard truth that he took his life in a moment of weakness and left me behind. It breaks my heart and some days it's too hard to believe it. However, I know that I can't change what happened, and it would not be good for me to get stuck in that moment, in the past. I need to continue focusing on Jesus and focusing forward.
At the very beginning of this journey, I knew that I needed to seek counseling because I had no idea where to begin with processing something like this. I am typically a very strong-willed, independent person and can usually handle a lot. However, I knew that Bernard's suicide and passing was something past my own capabilities of managing alone and something I needed expert guidance on. This was a huge traumatic event in my life, something that is utterly life changing, I was in complete shock, experiencing a massive loss in my life. There are so many emotions, thoughts, feelings all at once and I just didn't know how to take that first step in dealing with it all. It was very overwhelming. Counseling has been one of the best decisions I have made for myself on this journey. I have learnt to recognize and talk about how I am feeling. I have learnt to give my emotions the attention they need in order to process everything properly. As scary as it's been at times, I have had to learn to allow myself to feel really deeply. Whether that meant crying from the depths of my heart from the pain and loss I was experiencing, listening to his voice notes over and over to hear his voice again, watching old videos and looking at pictures of us, listening to music that really spoke to me in this time (I continually played worship songs as I just didn't have the mental energy or capacity to read the Bible, as well as these song - Cold Play x Selena Gomez: Let Somebody Go, Freya Ridings: Lost Without You and our song The Cranberries: Dreams). At times I have felt that I just couldn't bare living without Bernard for one more day, that I couldn't carry on. I missed him so much it hurt. I didn't want to accept that he was gone, that our hopes and dreams together were gone, that I was now considered/labeled a widow. Thoughts have crossed my mind to give up, to go and be with him and for all the pain to end. I have asked the question "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?". It was horrible showing up to church alone, to dinner invites alone, to family gatherings alone. This, was my storm....
Although the waters have been rough and the heartache very real, God has given me a supernatural peace throughout this journey so far, and started to plant hope inside my heart again for the future. He has given me songs to hold onto, He has given me scripture to hold onto, wonderful words and love from family and friends - but ultimately a peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6). God has met me in my valley in a very real way and I know that He walks beside me through this grief, heartache and pain. God doesn't promise us an easy life, but He does promise to be with us always no matter what.
Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
Psalm 23:6 - Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forevermore.
Matthew 5:4 - God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Isiah 41:10 - Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
He promises me a future that is good (Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for You", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.") I also know that Bernard looks down on me with love. I felt as if he came and sat on the edge of my bed a few nights back and tell me "Don't be sad." Man did I just cry from such a deep place hearing that, but I know he would want me to be happy again - it's all he ever wanted and tried to do for me.
The last six months have been a rollercoaster of a ride to say the least. There have been many ups and downs, many tears amongst smiles, there have been people who have hurt me along the way which I have had to remove from this season in my life, there have been people who have disappointed too. But there have been people who have loved me and continued to show up 'til this very day. There has been a mountain of admin and paperwork to wade through and complete. There have been days where I just didn't want to face the world, there have been many invitations which I have had to respectfully decline. I've had to manage one day at a time, and learn to manage where I put my energy (the very little that I have). You see, losing a spouse or partner is one of the worst losses you can experience (if it was a good and pure relationship). I read a quote in the beginning of my grief journey which put this in perspective a bit for me:
"The death of a spouse or partner is very different than other losses, in the sense that it literally changes every single thing
in your world going forward. When your spouse dies, the way you eat changes. The way you watch TV changes. Your financial
status changes. It affects your rhythms. The way you think (widow brain is such a thing!). Your hobbies and interests change.
Your sense of humour. Your sense of womanhood or manhood. Every...Single...Thing...Changes. You are handed a new life that you never asked for and that you don't particularly want. It is the hardest, most gut-wrenching, most horrific, life-altering of things to live through."
I have had to learn to focus purely on Jesus, keep my eyes fixed on Him and only allow people who are going to be understanding, gracious, giving, into my life and be in my space. Not those who take away from me. So much has already been taken away from me. I have had to put some boundaries in place to protect my fragile heart, my energy and sanity. I have had to learn that it's okay to put my hand up when I am not coping and reach out for help, which has been hard to do at times as I am such a strong-willed and independent person, but you will realize that you don't have the same amount of energy you use to have before your journey of grief began.
I know that I am still grieving my darling husband, I miss him dearly! There are no words to describe it. I will love him 'til the end of time. But I also know that I have so much hope for my future at the same time - a hope to maybe share my life with someone again one day, have a family and to continue to fulfill God's purpose in my life. I often read quotes in grief groups and online that you will forever grieve your loved one and that time will never heal your pain or heart. I disagree with that. I believe there is a time for grieving, it is incredibly important to grieve your loss. But as the Bible says, there is a time for everything. I believe God heals and restores. I believe that after mourning, He will teach you how to dance again with a whole heart and you will look back with fond memories and no longer feel grief. Tears of sadness will become tears of joy and you will smile again.
God promises to bestow on the grieving a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. We will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendour (Isiah 61: 3). How incredible is that! That our Lord would turn something we see as heartbreaking, filled with despair and hopelessness into something so beautiful, filled with hope. You see, the storm of grief is very real and can become incredibly heavy, confusing, painful - I have been through it and you most likely will too. But when you completely submerse yourself in God and His presence, when you are anchored by Him and Him alone, the lens in which you look through this storm changes and you will experience how God can calm the storm to a whisper and still the waves for you during this time. He has been my anchor in my storm. He loves you and me. He is our saving grace. He is always with us, no matter what.
Forever and always babe, I will love you xxx
∞💓