Anger. A feeling that I'm not very familiar with. Hurt, frustration, annoyance, sadness...yes, but anger not so much.
I reached the two year mark this month and I am starting to just feel angry at/with life for the first time in this grief journey. I'm angry at Bernard because he let me down. He made a vow to me in front of God and our families, that we would be together through the good and the bad and he broke that vow. I'm angry that he's left me with a mountain of debt and admin to sort through that wasn't created by me, but behind my back. I'm angry at family who were meant to be there by my side through this journey. Not just a message at each milestone, but carrying me through the inbetween days right up until now. I'm angry at the guy who started pursuing me at my most vulnerable state. Even though I told him I wasn't ready, and then he went and broke my heart. I'm angry at life that this is my life. It wasn't the plan, not in the slightest. And I'm angry at God because I didn't want any of this. These weren't the dreams and hopes I had growing up as a little girl. I had dreams of being married, having a family of my own, creating a wonderful home and life together. That dream seems so unreachable right now...
I'm coming to accept that anger is part of this journey, and that it's okay to feel angry. As long as I don't sit with it for too long that it harbours into bitterness. I am coming to accept that I'm allowed to feel angry because I have been hurt, let down, wronged on many different levels that its affected my trust in people, safety, self confidence and so much more. It's hard for me to recognize and associate some of the emotions I'm feeling as anger because, as I said, it's an emotion I'm not very familiar with. Anger requires a physical action (according to studies and therapy) - screaming, a punching bag, breaking glass session etc., so that you let go of that emotion in a healthy way and don't bottle it up. Do I think I'm comfortable doing something like that? Absolutely not. Do I think I'm capable and willing to try something like that to continue on my journey of healing? Absolutely yes.
Some days are better than others of course, but that's the nature of this journey. You have good days and you have bad days. Sometimes I do feel wronged, angry, upset with what I've been dealt with, and sometimes I feel I'm starting to find happiness again. I'm grateful, at peace knowing that no matter what - God is by my side and I have this wonderful testimony to share with the world on God's goodness.
So as I sit at the end of 2023, there are no new years resolutions I'm aiming for. I'm going to continue on my journey of healing and rediscovering myself. I'm going to sit with this anger, process it, release it and hand it over to God. And then I am going to carry on with what God has in store for me in 2024. For His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me.
Wishing you all a wonderful and safe new year. I pray it's your best year yet!
Love always,
Melissa
xxx