It's complicated, isn't it? Grief. It's like this thing that invades every aspect of your life, but you have no control over it whatsoever. It arrives when it wants to, and leaves for awhile when it wants to. It's messy but beautiful all at the same time.
Something so small as a smell, a song, a place, can be so triggering. I have left my front door feeling absolutely fine to go to the doctor for a checkup and all of a sudden find myself sitting in the doctor's parking lot for 10minutes whilst I pull myself together after crying most of the way there. I have built up the courage to go to the stores to get some groceries and find myself turning around half way there because I just can't do it that day. It sounds so silly, but that's my truth at the moment. This journey of grief can be so incredibly lonely. I no longer have that person that I can call on or be by my side for small things like a doctor's appointment, grocery shopping, fixing something at home, sorting something out on the car, finding a movie on a Friday night and chilling out together after a long week. All of this is done alone now. Grief can feel so isolating. The quiet space can feel so cold.
I feel like I have filled in so many forms lately where you have to check the box of "Miss" or "Mrs", and I think, but what am I now? Neither really. In between? I feel lost. I had to submit Bernard's death certificate for the first time in awhile a couple of months ago and everything hit me all over again.... Like I was taken back to day one. This is my life story. My husband committed suicide and left me behind. No explanation. No heads up. No nothing. I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. I'm a widow at the young(ish) age of 37. How is this my life? Why me? I didn't sign up for this. It wasn't the plan I had in mind when I took my vows. Can someone please wake me from this nightmare?
I feel guilty sometimes for trying to move forward in life. For laughing again and finding joy in moments with friends and family. For a guy paying me some attention. This has been one of the hardest things I've struggled with internally, as I feel as though I'm cheating on my husband in a way (even though I know I'm not). But, as a woman who had the wonderful experience of being married, you miss and long for that type of connection again. The intimacy, feeling special to someone, feeling loved, chosen, having a best friend, a person that knows and understands you like no other, a sacred bond. The person that noone else can really replace in your life. The only one who can simply take your hand and you know all is right in the world. It sometimes scares me to think that one day, I'm going to have to be vulnerable and trust someone with my heart again? In some weird way, I imagine him watching me and that I almost need his approval before moving forward. Crazy? Probably! But I had made my decision on who to give my heart to, who to trust my heart with and I didn't plan on having to do that again. And I find myself in tears.
It's complicated, isn't it? Grief. It's a whirlwind of emotions at any given time. It isn't linear, nor does it follow a process or timeline. Which is quite annoying if I do say so myself! I thought I was managing quite okay for a little while last year. Then, once I moved past the 6 month anniversary into reality and acceptance, I think I hit rock bottom. I struggled to leave the house some days. I was having panic attacks. Everything felt so overwhelming. My nervous system was on edge and my body and mind were not coping. There were flashbacks as his birthday approached, and not long after, the one year anniversary started to approach. Memories started to flood my mind. I was remembering all sorts of random little things from our life together. I would see a silhouette of him in the kitchen, making coffee. I would see him walking through the front door after work. He often use to put a mug out for me in the morning before he left for work, with a teabag and sugar in as well as a flower or note next to it. Ready to go for when I woke up. He use to sit by my bedside for a couple minutes every morning before he left for work. Stroke my hair and kiss me goodbye (even though I was still mostly asleep). He loved a braai or even just a fire going on the weekends. He use to walk so heavy on the heel of his foot, it drove me insane. He use to always drive around with his petrol tank light on, and never once fill it up - only top it up for the next couple of days. I was constantly anxious we would break down somewhere and I use to get so angry with him. I can sometimes still hear his voice, or his laugh. Such vivid memories.
It's crazy what trauma and grief can do to the body. You feel exhausted all the time as you continuously try to process and slowly let go of what you've gone through. An exhaustion that no amount of sleep can fix (trust me, I've tried!). But this is grief.... It's hard, it's complicated, it's messy, it's beautiful. Where there is immense grief, there was immense love, and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that amidst the mess of me and my emotions, I serve a loving God that knows every detail about me and He cares. When I am weak, He is strong. He reminds me that I am a child of God, a daughter of the most high King. I am made in His image, I was chosen by Him before the world began. I am loved more than I will ever know. My Father knows me. My Father cares for me. He takes great delight in me. I am a saint. I'm designed and destined for great purposes. I am precious. I am called. I am God's inheritance. I am not defined by my brokenness or a checkbox on a form.
Keeping my eyes fixed on Him and His word will carry me through. No matter what I may be feeling or going through - the ups, the downs, my faith in God is my anchor. He will never leave me nor forsake me. For that, I know I am secured in Him and will be fine throughout this journey called life.
I got this tattoo for myself on 4th March 2023. It talks to my story of steadfast faithfulness. The words "steadfast faith" have been prophesized over me a few times in my life, and so the word "faith" is so important to me. Within the word "faith" is a cross which reminds me of all that God has done for me. On the bottom of the tattoo there are fine ashes, representing the ground and on top my birthday month flower (a gladiolus - which represents strength of character, honesty, generosity and moral integrity). One of the verses that has been close to my heart through this grief journey is Isiah 61:3 "He will give a crown of beauty for ashes...". And so, I know and believe that God will and is doing a new thing in my life. From such sorrow and loss (ashes), He will give me a crown of beauty. All for His glory.
Forever and always babe, I will love you xxx
∞💓